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Divorce: An Emotional Rollercoaster -By Re-marriage.com Matrimonials

Divorce is never a pleasant experience. The emotions involved before, during and after divorce can be very painful, confusing, complex and sometimes frightening. However, learning from how others coped with the trauma may help one in picking up the threads and moving on in life…

Divorce is never a pleasant experience. The emotions involved before, during and after divorce can be painful, confusing, complex and sometimes frightening. Picking up the threads and moving on may seem like the most difficult thing to do and requires considerable effort and adjustment. We spoken to people who have had to grapple with divorce induced trauma – people who have emerged triumphant after the ordeal and are now leading more productive, fulfilling lives

Actress Sarha married Ranvir Singh, at the peak of her film career and happily threw it all away just to be the quintessential Indian wife. When things began spiraling out of control, she opted for a divorce after ten years of marriage. The decision left her with custody of her young son but minus a steady source of income and a roof over her head. She had to start from scratch. “Those who have been through the ordeal know that a divorce is the hardest, most traumatic period of one’s life. And it doesn’t just involve the two of you but your respective families as well, including the children, who are affected most. The grief & pain is similar to that experienced when someone close to you dies. But in this case, the person concerned is still alive and getting on with his own life – perhaps in the same neighborhood.”

She recalls one of the most frustratingly awkward situations, “Whenever I would go to a friend’s house and there were children there with both their parents and there I was standing all alone with my child. It was at times like these that all that hurt and anger came rushing back. I felt, ‘How could he do this to us?’ It’s all his fault!”

“Today, me and Ranvir are the best of friends. If I have something to share, I call him up. The three of us go out for movies or dinner together or with common friends. But to reach this comfort level, I’ve had to work on my ego issues and insecurities, as immediately after the divorce, there was a lot of resentment and anger.” The ex didn’t do much to help either, “The day after the divorce was legalized, Ranvir threw his friends a so-called ‘freedom party’ to celebrate his new-found freedom from the wife. This was probably done to spite me and yes it hurt. I have managed to let go and moved on, but my mother still cannot bring herself to forgive my ex-husband. It is after all natural for a parent to hold a grudge against someone who has hurt their offspring and ruined his/her life.”

While her mother and sister Tina stood by her through it all, Sarha claims her strongest ally was herself. “A divorce leaves you at your most vulnerable, but you have to be strong if you have to pull through that phase. Friends will console you and hold your hand, but can they share your pain? Or your loneliness? Moreover most married women are scared of a divorced woman. They may be your closest friends, but once you’re single again they think of you as a threat; someone out to snare their man for herself in order to fill the void.”

Looking back in retrospect Sarha says, “I had tried really hard to make it work. But Ranvir though jobless refused to give up on his gambling and insisted on keeping the wrong kind of company. These were things that infuriated me and lead to heated arguments. The fights when looked at individually weren’t really all that important, but as they got more frequent, the bad times began outweighing the good and I decided enough was enough. I wish his parents had intervened at that stage. Or perhaps had insisted that he get his act together, but they didn’t. It was more convenient to blame the wife and take his side. After we divorced, Ranvir’s mother tried to get me to come back. But it was too late.”

Sarha admits that like 99 per cent of divorced mothers she too wanted to lash out at her ex-husband in the most obvious way – by denying him visitation rights. “If the father is fond of his child, the best way to hurt him is to separate him from his child. But this is detrimental to the growth of the child who ends up insecure and resentful of the fact that he never got an opportunity to know his/her father. My parents too were divorced and I never got to know my father. I don’t blame my mother for not keeping in touch with my him; I’m sure she had her reasons. But those feelings of remorse did surface at times when I saw my classmates in school with both their parents,” she says.

“I wanted my son to feel complete and loved and not grow into an insecure, manipulative child who slyly pits one parent against the other to get his way. Hence I put in a determined attempt to bridge the gap caused by our divorce.” And in doing so Sarha has also succeeded in moving on with her life, “I am on friendly terms with Ranvir and his present girlfriend. I am into film production and other business”. Prod on about the chances of a second marriage and she reveals, “Yes, there is another man in my life, but marriage isn’t on the cards. I’m not yet ready to step into another relationship.” A case of once bitten, twice shy.

Model Saurab talks candidly about his failed marriage with model/actress Geeta, “Sure I made many mistakes; I’m only human. I’m not a saint. And I don’t believe in blinding myself from the truth. Most people don’t realize or refuse to accept their mistakes. Their pride, ego, etc. prevent them from coming to terms with reality. And it’s much easier to hold your ex responsible for the failure of your relationship by saying, ‘Oh it was all her/his fault!’ So what if the marriage didn’t work out. Accept your mistakes and move on.”

Saurab and Geeta have been separated for five months and their divorce is yet to come through, but the soon-to-be ex-husband matter-of-factly states that he has moved on. “Basically, it all boils down to the individual’s state of mind. Like most other things divorce cannot be labeled ‘good’ or ‘bad’. What society at large refers to as a ‘bad’ thing may just have some good come out of it.” He elaborates, “Divorce is simply a clash of two minds. Sure, you should try to iron out differences through marital counseling, etc. But if the problems are irreconcilable it is better to let go and part ways. Time is the best healer.” The model turned businessman is today immersed in his work and is bares all about his failed marriage, but Geeta on the other hand feels she still isn’t comfortable discussing the relationship.

The outcome of a divorce is often two embittered individuals who simply can’t stand the sight of each other. But this needn’t always be the case. Couples who have split after a brief marriage find it easier to overcome the pain and the hurt and remain friends or at least maintain a cordial relationship. As Gautam so succinctly puts it, “Life is too short to harbor ill-feelings.”

But the anger and hurt cannot be suppressed either and needs to be redirected to serve a constructive purpose. Sameer turned television actress Mahima says she used the anger to propel her to move on with her life. “The divorce took around a year and a half to come through and this was the toughest phase. I found myself battling over petty material possessions and property.” She continues, “It was all very upsetting. There was this constant bickering, ‘why should you have this, I bought it’. Not because I really wanted it but just to get back at him. I even used to have these nightmares of spotting him with a new wife. When he did eventually get married, I was surprisingly okay with it.”

She says, “After a month or two, I would often just burst out crying. It was like as if something had died and there was this mourning process I had to go through, where I found it difficult to even eat.” But it was only a matter of time before the mourning period came to an end and she found a new purpose in life, a raison d’etre. “I fell in love with ISKON – Hare Krishna Land. The experience was so divine. I now found the time to pursue my love for philosophy which was something I wanted to do since the age of 19.” Mahima is also grateful for the support of the parents who though traditional in their views stood by her through her divorce. “I come from a family where we believe marriage is for keeps. Divorce was not a done thing. Yet my parents have been so gracious and dignified. There was none of that ‘we told you so’ nor do they discus my marriage with others.”

Sheepishly the actress admits to even going through a phase when she was so emotionally vulnerable and attracted to anyone and everyone. “I would look at an Restaurent waiter and tell my friend ‘oh he’s so cute and so nice’.” Then suddenly on a serious note she adds, “I always knew Dilip and myself were not right for each other. We were just so different. He is so cool and chilled out and I am over hyper and very restless. I would constantly break up with him, but the attachment and attraction was so strong that after two days I’d go back to him. I glad we did get married else I would always have wondered what life would him would have been like. Now I know. While he was a very loving and attentive husband, there was no respect in the relationship – it was very immature.”

Like her ex-husband Mahima says men tend to move on quicker than women. If not emotionally at least physically. But Sameer begs to differ, “I can’t speak for all men, but I haven’t hastily jumped into another relationship. For me it has always been career first and that’s what I’m focusing on right now. I’m also very spiritual and that has helped keep me on track.”

Mahima advises, “You need to put your emotions on the back burner. If you feel you are better off without a particular person, stick by your decision. Be detached and very focused on what you want. Even if you are dating or married, spend time with your family and friends, go out with them on holidays, traveling or just shopping. There’s more to life than just being in a relationship. You don’t have to be together 24/7. By all means love to the fullest, but down let your partner own you. Sarha too seconds this view. “While it is important to give your partner his space, it is also equally essential to give yourself space.” Both women agree that is vital for a wife to be financially independent for their men to respect them. “If you can’t work outside the home because of the kids, work from the home itself. Take up tailoring or catering, something you are good at. When your man knows you have other options, you aren’t helpless and dependent he will think twice before taking you for granted or straying,” says Sarha.

But not all divorce related problems come with a simple solution. Take for example the case of Mahesh, an architect. He separated from his wife over four years ago, leaving behind an eight -year-old daughter in her custody. A year after their separation he moved in with Aditi, a public relations consultant and they have been living together ever since. The ride was a bumpy one and the arrival of their son only made matters worse. Mahesh confesses that the divorce was painful and further complicated his life. “I love my daughter very much and would like to spend more time with her. In fact, I would like to be a good father to both my children. Though the differences between me and my ex-wife were irreconcilable, I can’t help but feel like I have abandoned them and that there are times when they need me.”

Aditii too admits that the weekly custody visits leave her feeling insecure and threatened. “The thought that three of them are spending time together as a family is very disconcerting. I guess my insecurities stem from the fact that the two of us still haven’t married. Every time he goes to see Marina (his daughter), I am constantly plagued by doubts, ‘What if they patch up? What happens to me and my son? Sure I’m doing well and I can take care of the both of us. But doesn’t my son deserve a father? After Mahesh had split with his ex he was a shattered man. I helped him piece his life back together and now they seem to be getting along fine.” Obviously Mahesh and Aditi raise questions that seem impossible to answer and doubts difficult to quell. The two have issues that can be only done away with proper counseling and therapy sessions.

Whatever your experience of divorce may be, it is worth remembering that there is life after divorce. And it can be a blessing in disguise for it isn’t often that we get a chance to break clean and start over. As Sameer says, “Its all about progression, so don’t get disheartened.”

Some of the names have been changed on request.

Start a New Life and find a compatible match for yourself at www.re-marriage.com The No.1 Re-marriage Matrimonials Services Provider. For divorcees, widows, widowers, separated and late marriages.

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SHELBY – Social networking sites can bring friends together. But they can also rip marriages apart, according to one marriage counselor. The Internet has been a catalyst for about half of local divorces, said Melody Thompson a counselor with…

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7 Reasons to Consider Mail Order Brides

Mail order brides have had an air of mystery and romance surrounding them for a very long time and many Western men have lived a lifetime of love with a woman from halfway around the world. They may not have ever met this love of their life had they not been open to the idea of marrying someone from another country.

If you’ve been toying with the idea of looking at other countries to find a bride, you don’t have to travel the world to find her. The list below outlines seven good reasons you should consider mail order brides.

1.Studies have shown mail order brides and their husbands have longer, happier marriages than most traditional marriages.

2.Theoretically, the rule of opposites attracting applies when it comes to mail order brides and their spouses. Their marriages are almost always successful.

3.It’s easy to find an abundance of help online to walk you through the process of finding the mail order bride of your dreams. You’re able to correspond directly with the woman you choose before encountering an expensive trip abroad.

4.The somewhat negative connotation once associated with mail order brides no longer exists for most people. Online dating is widely accepted, and international online dating is just an offshoot. The phrase ‘mail order bride’ is still typed into search boxes about 3,000 daily.

5.Many services now exist online whose sole function is to unite Western men with hopeful brides from many countries around the world. The most popular countries tend to be Eastern Europe, South America, and Asia, although you can find marriage-minded women from all over the globe.

6.Many Western men find more traditional values in foreign women than the women in their own country, including issues such as raising children, careers, and relationships with older men.

7.Mail order brides could be the answer you need if you’re not meeting the kind of women that you’d like to, or if you’ve become weary of dating in the conventional way. Meeting foreign women online is only a click away and can be done from the comfort of your own home.

Thanks to the internet, dating and falling in love has become as global as shopping and communications. New people are accessing the internet every day as more countries move into the area of modern technology.

There’s no worry about learning to speak a foreign language, as there are software programs available to translate for you. You’ll also find foreign language programs you can use to learn a particular language once you’ve found a foreign woman you want to communicate with in her native tongue. Plus, many women you’ll meet will already be able to speak to you in English.

For men wanting to expand their dating choices, you can now look anywhere in the world. Whatever your preference, they’re out there and many foreign women you’ll meet are also looking for a lifelong commitment.

When you find the woman who steals your heart, take your time getting to know her. Find out her hopes and dreams and what she might expect from life in another country. There’s no need to rush this process. It’s much more important to know that you and your potential mate are both looking for the same things in a relationship.

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All Russian Women Want To Escape From Russia! Fact or Fiction?

When someone searches through the Internet seeking a Russian bride, he will be very surprised by the large number of Russian dating services. There are literally thousands of them on the Internet! Have you ever asked yourself; why is that?

From all appearances it seems that all women want to escape from Russia because Russia is in a very difficult social and political and economic situation. Im sorry to disappoint you, but that type of thinking is just a stereotype. Growing up, it seems that each generation has their own stereotypical idea about what Russia is and how the citizens respond. For almost seventy years, Russia was a very closed nation and outsiders (other nations), could not see or for what matters, interact with the Russian population. From this action of closed borders, somehow, was born the stereotype of what Russian women looked like-peasant stock, with stern looks and aged appearances.Many people are still even unaware that Russia is no longer the Soviet Union, or is even not a communist country anymore.

With the collapse of the Soviet Union, the opening of borders and the start of Internet, the whole world astonishingly discovered just how beautiful, feminine, slender and educated Russian women are! Foreign men who were finally allowed to travel to Russia, saw, with amazement, the beauty and grace of the Russian women. They looked upon these women just like kids in a candy store.The typical stereotype disappeared .Although even now in this modern world the stereotype Russian women still exists.

Unfortunately, as quickly as the old stereotype of Russian females disappeared, a new stereotype emerged; “All Russian women want to escape from Russia” and because of this new labeling, the Internet has so many Russian Dating agencies, offering to find you a “Russian bride”.

The truth of the matter is that the percentage of Russian women who are looking for their “soulmates” through the internet is no greater than the percentage of women from western countries such as England, Canada, Australia and the United States who are searching the Internet for their future soulmate!!. Here is an interesting tidbit: With the population of Russia at approximately 150 million people as compared to the United State’s population of more than 250 million people, why is it that you don’t see as many dating agencies from other countries? The answer is really simple….. CHOICE!!!

Women from the USA and most other Western Nations have choices to use or not to use a dating agency service. Almost all women from western countries have computers at home or at work. Also Internet services in most of these countries are ridiculously low compared with Russia.

Only a few very big Russian cities such as Moscow and St. Peterburg have Internet services which are more or less affordable for an average person. However in the last few years this is changing fast.  Russia is a very huge country, with its eleven time zones from East to West is now just getting Internet services established. It is only within the last three or four years that Internet service providers have begun to take hold within Russia and the fees for monthly service are out of the reach for most Russians.

Another reason for these dating services is the language barrier. For a very long time, Russia was a closed border country and even when Russians learned English at school, without the ability to practice the use of the language on a daily basis, English was basically a dead language and these agencies also became translators.

Now everything in Russia has changed. It is a country that is open to the world and people are now stimulated to learn English. Internet providers are popping up all over Russia and Internet cafes are entrenching themselves in the cities, big and small. In this situation more and more women can communicate with their soulmates through the Internet without any help of any marriage agency. They don’t need translating services as they did in the past. Many women prefer to spend money on English lessons, than to pay very high prices for dating services.

People all over the world are generally the same. Nobody likes to show private letters to a stranger or to convey their most private thoughts and Internet conversations to a dating service employee for translation. So now it is just as common to chat to a Russian girl on the internet as it is to chat to a girl from your own country.

At the present time, Internet services are growing dramatically in Russia. Yes, it is a difficult time in this vast country but it is impossible to stop progress. Russians are beginning to communicate with the rest of the world through their own computers. In the very near future you will see a dramatic reduction of Russian dating services, the “Russian Women Eager to Escape” myth as the typical stereotype about Russian women totally disappears. If you are truly interested in Russian dating then it would be a good idea to do some research on Russia, you maybe surprised as to what you will learn.

And although the term “Russian mail order brides” is still common, in reality a Russian mail order bride does not exist! It is just a marketing term.

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